How to Easily Make Your Partner Feel Loved

 
Case in point: many years ago I was with a girlfriend I’ll call Bonnie. I was giving her a nice shoulder massage when she suddenly blurted out, “Would you cut that out!” Totally caught off guard, I said “Cut what out?” She annoyingly stated, “You’re always massaging me. You’re always touching me. Why do you have to be so grabby?” It was true—I frequently massaged her. So I said to her, “I do that to show you how much I care about you.” She quickly responded, “Well, I don’t feel very loved. After all, you never tell me you love me.” She was right again; I never actually said the words “I love you” to her, although she frequently said such things to me.

Bonnie and I had a long discussion about this episode and we finally realized what had been going on. While I was growing up, whenever I was being spanked or punished, my parents would say, “We’re doing this because we love you.” Therefore, the words “I love you” had a negative connotation to me. I figured, talk is cheap. The way to really show a woman you love her is to touch her in pleasant ways. That was my “rule” of how real love should be expressed. On the other hand, while Bonnie was growing up, she had an uncle who frequently gave her massages. One day, this uncle sexually molested her. Therefore, she took my massages as being a precursor of impending doom. We both thought we were expressing love to each other, when in fact we were unconsciously pushing each other’s buttons!

The way we tend to express love to another person is, in most cases, the way in which we would like to receive it. I gave Bonnie massages because that’s what makes me feel loved. Even if a gorilla gave me a massage, I’d feel totally loved. Bonnie frequently told me she loved me because that’s what she wanted to hear. When people are unaware of their partner’s preferred ways of feeling loved, they end up expending a lot of energy that goes unappreciated. Yet by knowing exactly what helps your partner feel safe and loved, it becomes infinitely easier to create intimacy on a consistent basis. 
          
There is a simple exercise you can do with your partner to find out how best to charm his or her heart. Have him or her become comfortable in a chair, and then say the following: “Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and begin to think of a specific time you felt really loved by me. Remember that time as clearly as you can. Remember where we were, what we were doing, and exactly what happened that let you know I really loved you.” Give your partner a minute or so to fully re-experience such a moment. Then proceed, “What was most important in letting you know I fully loved you? Was it something I said, or the way I looked at you, the way I touched you, or something else? What exactly helped you to know that I really loved you?” Listen carefully to what your partner says, because the answer(s) to this question can transform your relationship.

By knowing how your own heart is charmed, you can reveal  this important information to your partner. Try the previous exercise on yourself, or have your partner read it to you. You may be surprised to discover exactly what your partner does that creates a warm feeling of safety and love in you. Once your mate knows how to help you feel loved, he or she can more easily and consistently show you affection.

Every time you charm your partner’s heart, you’re making a “loving deposit” in to your “shared love account.” Your shared love account is like a bank balance you share together. When things are going well, there’s a lot of love put into “savings.”When both of you consistently make deposits into your shared account, you feel abundantly in love. It’s much easier to handle problems when there’s an abundance of love in your love account. Therefore, make frequent deposits of love in your relationship account by charming your partner’s heart. Remember to do the little actions that make a big difference in how your partner feels. It will immediately help both of you feel wonderfully intimate, and when problems arise, you’ll have plenty of love “banked” to help you ride out the storm.

15 Questions to Ask Your Partner to Deepen Your Connection

Couples who have strong bonds remain interested in each other. They remain curious about each other’s experiences and inner lives, such as their thoughts, feelings, and fears.
As such, a great way to cultivate your connection is to talk about these inner worlds — because good communication goes beyond talk of tasks, errands and kids. (Those topics, of course, also are important. But so is delving into the intimate and often overlooked conversations.)
We asked several relationship experts for their suggestions for meaningful, fun or thought-provoking questions that partners can ask each other. Here’s what they shared.

How was your day today?
It’s such a simple, straightforward question. But in the chaos of daily living, you might forget to ask it. “This allows people to share specifics and stay connected on a day-to-day basis,” said Mudita Rastogi, Ph.D, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Arlington Heights, Ill.

What do you need from me right now?
This is an important question to ask when your partner is having a difficult day, Rastogi said. “It allows the asking partner to tailor their help to what is needed.”

How do I express my anger and conflict?  
This is a question that each partner asks themselves, responding out loud while the other partner listens.
According to Beverly Hills clinical psychologist Fran Walfish, PsyD, the number one determining factor for a healthy, lasting relationship is managing conflict effectively. That includes listening without interruption, being willing to discuss issues, tolerating differences and strategizing solutions, she said.

What are you looking forward to today, this week and this month?
“This helps you tune in to what your partner enjoys,” Rastogi said. Plus, it balances out the more serious and potentially negative topics, she said.

Am I being a good spouse to you?
What are three things that I do that you couldn’t live without?
What are the ways you most experience or feel love from me or from what I do?
“It is important to check in regularly to see if what you are doing and saying is positively feeding the relationship,” said Erik R. Benson, MSW, LCSW, a private therapist in the Chicago and North Suburbs area. He suggested asking these three questions.

If you could be a character in any book, which character would you be, and why?
If you could go back in time to your teenage self, what two words would you say?
Benson also shared these two questions, which his wife, who works in the special education field, has asked him to help her get to know him better.

Describe the perfect you day (or if you could do anything you wanted for a day, what would it be?)
This is another question Benson’s wife has asked him. Such information helps her plan activities, dates and gifts, he said.

If I could change one thing about myself I would change _____.
“This gives you a window into something the person feels insecure about,” Walfish said. And it’s an opportunity for partners to be empathic and compassionate with each other, she said.

If I spent a typical day in your shoes, describe what I would experience.
Benson suggested asking the above question. Empathy is key for healthy relationships, and such questions help partners gain a deeper understanding into each other’s experiences.

What would you do in life if money weren’t an issue?
“This helps [couples] connect around long-term wishes, dreams and plans,” Rastogi said.

If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for?
This is another question that reveals your partner’s fantasies and even their personal character, Walfish said.

What is your greatest fear?
“You can support your partner by not pressuring when approaching the scary territory,” Walfish said. You also can ask how to help your partner become more comfortable, she said. “You want to be your partner’s safe harbor to come to for safety, soothing and healing.”

What would be your last wishes if you were incapacitated and unable to make health care decisions?
No doubt this is a difficult question to bring up. But, as Rastogi said, it’s a critical one.

What is the best thing that has ever happened to you?  
This one leaves the conversation on a positive note, Walfish said. “Each one of you gets to think about happy, wonderful influences in your lives.”

11 Ways to Help Yourself Heal After a Break-Up

Hello everyone, today I'm going to give you some ultimate secrets about how to heal your pain after breakup. How many of you have got this pain actually? I guess 95% answers will be 'yes I got" :D So lets be careful to read today's featured topic "How to heal Breakup Pains"

• Time heals all wounds. However, when you have a broken heart, you sometimes aren’t sure if you are going to make it through the day. Here are 10 ways you can help to heal your broken heart.
• Cry:  Science shows that crying does help. HealthCentral's Jerry Kennard states, “The physical effects of crying do indeed show that once crying stops, the body moves from a state of high arousal to one more associated with relaxation. Breathing and heart rate slows, sweating decreases and the period of the relaxed state tends to last longer than the time spent crying.”  So, take the time to cry and grieve for your relationship.
• Take one small step toward healing each day: You probably don’t feel like getting off the couch or even climbing out of bed, but you must. Commit to one positive action each day and sooner or later these actions will start to become normal again. Exercise for 15 minutes, take a walk, cook yourself a spectacular meal, get a new haircut, or take yourself out to eat.
• Create distance between you and your ex: You feel alone and you desperately want some type of connection to your ex, or you are ready for separation and your ex won’t leave you alone—he calls, sends emails or stops by. Every time you talk with your ex, you postpone your healing. Let your ex know that you need distance in order to heal and then stick to going without talking, no matter how hard it is in the beginning. Remember, it will get easier each day.
• Keep yourself busy: Make a list of activities - no matter how small - that you can use to keep yourself busy. Your list might include taking a walk, shopping, cleaning the hallway closet, seeing a movie, reading a book, or getting together with friends. What the activity is isn’t as important as simply giving yourself something to do other than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself or sliding into depression.
• Talk to friends: If you were in a serious, committed relationship, you probably talked to your ex every day. If you lived together or were married, you have become accustomed to having someone there all the time. Now that your ex isn’t around, life seems lonely. Contact friends and let them know what is going on – ask if you can call just to talk for a few minutes. Hearing a friendly voice can do a lot to help improve your outlook.
• Clear the clutter: Most long-term relationships include clutter. It might be text messages in your phone, items left at your house or being "friends" on social networks. Get rid of the clutter from the relationship so you aren’t faced with constant reminders of what you lost.
• Remind yourself what is good about yourself: Break-ups tend to wreak havoc on your self-esteem, especially if your partner is the one who left. After all, a break-up is a rejection. If the break-up was messy, your partner may have brought up everything wrong with you. Instead of focusing on what he or she found wrong, write a list of your good qualities and traits. Keep it posted where you can see it every day.
• Take care of yourself: During the days and weeks after a breakup, it is easy to skip meals because you aren’t hungry or overeat to mask the pain. Your thoughts may keep you up at night. This is a time when it’s very easy to ignore your personal needs. Avoid the temptation to do that. This is when you really need to take care of yourself. 
• Accept that you need time to heal: There is no right or wrong amount of time to heal from a broken heart. If it has been a few weeks and you are still feeling down, it is okay. Remind yourself that each day will be just a little easier. Keep moving forward and you will begin to notice that you think about the relationship a little less each day.
• Find a new hobby: In long-term relationships, most of your activities probably involved your ex and when you do them now, the grief starts all over. Think about what you would like to do or learn, such as taking a class at a local college or learning how to paint. You might have a hobby that you have ignored during the relationship. Now is a good time to rekindle your interests.      
  

The Breakup Survival Guide

“A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.”

Breakups aren’t easy. Trust me, I know. In April of 2010, I cancelled my wedding to my love of seven years. It was tough, but I’ve survived. And you will too. Here’s a collection of some of my favorite Simply Solo articles related to breakups. The first list includes posts that chronicle my personal experience, and the second list includes breakup stories from some of my favorite guest bloggers.
Take care of yourself!

A relationship ends and you have no idea what to do except beg him to change his mind and panic (that is, if the guy is worth it). The sad thing is, if we would just take a step back and evaluate the situation before acting on our emotions, there’s a good chance things may actually work out. I’m not writing this to give false hope to relationships that are doomed for various reasons, whether it be cheating or simply not having feelings anymore. If someone breaks up with you for something like that, you should consider yourself lucky and realize that you dodged a bullet. Now, if they break up with you for any other reason, like a huge life change, overwhelming stress, or something in that category, I think there is a better way to handle the situation and possibly salvage the relationship.

So, what should you do when you’re broken up with? How should you react? Ladies, trust me – backing off and doing your own thing is the best route you can possibly take. Calling, texting, Facebook stalking, crying to him or in front of him, driving by, and whatever else you find yourself doing during break-ups … none of it accomplishes anything, none of it benefits you or the relationship, and it only brings you down. Don’t get me wrong, grieving and crying on your own time is fine, normal, and completely healthy – I’m talking specifically about contacting him and telling him all of the emotional banter about which you should be talking to your friends or your journal instead.

Something I think women need to realize is that all of the begging, crying, and asking him to reconsider is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. If he doesn’t want to be with you, why on earth would you want to be with him? You should be with someone who appreciates what they have when they’re with you and you shouldn’t settle for anything less than awesome. With that said, if you’re begging a dude to take you back or be with you, and he does, how do you know that it wasn’t just a temporary fix to get you to stop bothering him? How do you know it’s what he really wants? The begging/crying/pleading route can end one of two ways: he’ll completely cut you off and ignore you, or he’ll grant your request and get back together with you. The truth is, neither of those results are on his terms, and if he’s back with you because you talked him into it, how do you know if it’s long-term and real?

My boyfriend and I had been dating for almost 2 years when he ended things due to stress, confusion, and the decision to go to law school, which would be a major life change for him. I knew he loved me, but he didn’t know how I would fit into the equation and he was quite caught up in his future. Basically, he didn’t want to drag me along into a life about which I wasn’t excited or would make me anything less than 100% happy. I was obviously devastated, but after one post-break-up phone call that didn’t change his mind, I decided to let it be. I knew there was nothing I could say to him that would make a difference. I didn’t want to beg him or have to talk him into being with me. If he wanted to, he would. So I went on with my life. I had fun, went out, met other guys, kept busy, never let him see me cry, never posted depressing Facebook status updates, etc. I simply made a decision to be happy with myself and let it go – because after all, what else could I do besides embarrass myself and/or make things worse for myself?

Six weeks later, he got back in touch with me and explained how much he missed me, how he’d been depressed for the last month, how he was an idiot to let me go, that he loved me more than anything, that he just wanted to be the person to make me happy, and that he didn’t want to go through his future without me being a part of it. Initially, I was caught off-guard and was a little skeptical. How was it possible that he’d changed his mind so drastically? It didn’t take long for me to understand, though. Being away from me and the relationship itself gave him a chance to see what he had, to realize what he wanted and needed, to figure himself out, and most of all, to miss me. Since then, we’ve been back together for eight months (not without a little work on his part though, of course) and I’ve never been happier. Things are back on track, we’ve continued planning our future together and we’ve become stronger people from it. I especially learned from it once I realized just how capable I was of not only being without him but being happy being single.

Remember that as cheesy as it sounds, if you are supposed to be with someone, you will. If it’s supposed to work out, it will. If he loves you, he’ll tell you. Next time you find yourself battling a break-up, simply make the choice to be happy. It’s your life after all, right? You’d be surprised of what you’re capable and how strong you really are. And if things work out, great – but if they don’t, you made a choice to put yourself first and be happy. Win-win situation, if you ask me.

My Relationship, Depression and Then Hope

It’s a long story, but worth the read.

On May 5th, 2014, I got into a relationship with a United States Airman. I had known him for over 6 years as a friend and we had dated a couple of times before that. The month before we got together, I was in a relationship with my best friend from high school. We were together for 2 and a half years. The relationship me and him were in was heading downhill. It got to where I took care of him, he wouldn’t get a job, and wouldn’t take care of himself hygenically. So I started talking to my airman. We talked while he was stationed at an undisclosed air base. I was 700 miles away. We were talking and I realized he was grown into the shoes he wears and he was everything I wanted. I didn’t want to leave the relationship I was in, but my airman told me he would always love me, and that he wanted me in his life and that he believe he could truly make me happy. I never stopped loving him from the previous relationships and I knew he was who I wanted, but I was the one breaking up with him in the past relationships. So, I made the choice to get out of the 2 and a half year relationship.

However, my airman was afraid to tell me that he was given orders to deploy to Afghanistan for 6 months in September. He thought I wouldn’t want to try a relationship again. I cried after knowing that, but not because he hid that from me. I was afraid for him. He wanted to know if I could come help my best friend Mel (who was living with him at the time) keep the apartment they were staying at. It is hard enough to keep an apartment with a full time job paying minimum wage, but she was only part time and wouldn’t have a change to keep the apartment after he shipped out overseas, so I agreed to move down there, get a job and help her keep the apartment. I finished up my 3rd year in college, and didn’t enroll for the next year.

So, May 1st rolls around, and they leave the airbase, driving 700 miles back home to visit family and friends. They surprised me by showing up at my house that night. They had birthday gifts for me that I didn’t know about. My best friend got me a dragonfly necklace and the guy I was talking to at the time got me a pillow pet baby seal that glowed in the dark. I gave the pillow pet the nickname Jumbo, due to his large size. They told me they were still 3 hours away, then they pulled in my driveway twenty minutes later. My best friend snuck into the house to get me, and I ran outside and jumped in his arms, giving him a big hug where I missed him.  4 days later, he comes to see me at my house, and we talked and talked for hours just lying in my bed. And he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was ecstatic and said yes.

So May 14th rolled around and we got all my stuff packed and got me moved two states away. I was happy to have someone to fall asleep next to, and to cuddle at night and not be so alone anymore. As time started going by, we got intimate, which was the only thing we had in common. He liked staying on his computer, and building computers, and working on his personal server that he kept in the apartment. I enjoyed talking and companionship, but I enjoyed being near him more. As September seemed to get closer, I was getting worried about him leaving for 6 months. I was so in love with him, and didn’t think I could last a day without him.

Mid-August comes up, and he gave me some news about his deployment. His orders were canceled. He no longer had to go to Afghanistan. Needless to say, I was happy. I was happy because I wouldn’t be alone like I thought I would. I cried again, but with happiness.  More months go by, and we started arguing more, because I wanted to have ‘talks’ with him, explaining that I felt emotionally neglected because he didn’t want to spend any time with me. I was working two jobs by this point. I almost never got a day off from both jobs, and when I came home at 8-10pm after being gone since 7-9 that morning, I wanted just five minutes of alone time with him when I came home. He wouldn’t hardly give me the time of day when I came home. He stayed on his computer and done things that made him happy.

Time continuing, he decides to buy a house after having two noise complaints at the apartment he was staying in, so we all started looking for houses. He found the perfect one, and decided to buy it. November started becoming a stressful month, and it got to where we didn’t do anything anymore. We never went on dates anymore. He wouldn’t go with me to Walmart, because God knows I don’t like being alone in big places. But at every opportunity, I was go with him wherever he went just to get those 5 minutes I wanted. When he wouldn’t give me the 5 minutes I wanted with him, I would stay up until 2am just to be awake when he comes to bed so I could remember the cuddles he would give me that night. And I had to wake up early to go to work. It was worth it to me.

December rolls around, and I am constantly reminding him that I want more time with him. He felt that we had nothing to do together anymore except be intimate, which bored him after a while and which I yearned for because I got time with him. We finally get into a final argument and he broke up with me.
I spent hours crying in the bedroom, begging him not to do it. I begged him to come to bed with me, and hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay, but that night he slept on the couch. I cried until 4am. I texted my mom and told her I wanted to come home more than anything. I cried until I couldn’t breathe, and cried until exhaustion caused me to sleep.  I woke up that next morning as he was getting ready for work, and as he put on his uniform, I wiped my eyes again as they started tearing up. Many thoughts crossed my mind at the time. Why now? Why break my heart after I move 700 miles away for him? Why break my heart after convincing me to break up with someone and promise me that he could make me happy? He started to head for the door to leave, and I said to him “I love you,” and with a distasteful sigh, he looked back at me, and said “And you know I love you,” as if he were tired of saying it. He would always say “I love you” before going to work, but that morning was different. It was saying to me “I love you, but not ‘in’ love with you,”

That day, I decided to go back home. He told me I was more than welcome to stay, but my heart couldn’t do it anymore after he said that if I stayed, there would be no more kisses, I love you’s, or intimate moments. I asked him to do me one favor to keep my sanity at least until I could go back home to my family. I asked for 3 good days. I asked for 3 days of hugs, kisses, and I love you’s. He said he would do it for me. I had hoped that during those 3 days of packing my stuff, hugging him, and kissing him would make him realize that he still loved me. It didn’t work and only hurt me further. The night I left was 5 days until Christmas. He helped me get packed and loaded my stuff into my mother’s car. My mother and aunt got into the car, and I hugged him and cried harder than I ever cried before. He told me everything would be okay. Maybe after I learned to base my happiness on my life rather than on him, and made something of myself then maybe we could try again

I finally get home after a 13 hour drive and unload my stuff into the house. Since that night, I’ve went to bed every night crying and contemplating on how my life is going to turn out. I can’t imagine my life without him because I put all of myself into the relationship. If I was willing to move away from my friends and family to come help him and be with him, then I must have loved him. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, and the happy times we shared. It’s hard to go through my phone and see pictures of us. It’s hard to go to town and see the same red truck he drives. It’s hard to go to bed and sleep on the pillow he bought me and to smell him on all of my blankets.

I had been thinking on ending my life. Not saying that I was going to, but I was thinking about it for reasons beyond my control. It’s been 3 weeks since the breakup and I’m falling further down into a depression and going on these downward spirals to where I can’t think straight or think at all. I just want my humanity turned off. I don’t want emotion ruling my life.

So for a few nights, the thoughts of ending my life came on stronger and it was not what I wanted to do. I didn’t want a permanent solution to a temporary problem.So I started doing research online and found TheHopeLine.

Here, I was able to chat with a Coach, who suggested that I take care of myself before this depression gets any worse. And the amazing thing was, he/she gave me advice that no one was giving me. They were telling me stuff I already knew and stuff I needed to know. Maybe getting help is the best solution for me because doing nothing will make this worse.

While I was waiting in line to talk to the HopeCoach, I was in one of my downward spirals, asking God “Why am I hurting so much? Why do I think about him all the time? I just want this pain to end, I just want to live life happy again.” At the end of the chat, the Coach asked if I would like to pray, and it was there that I believed God wanted my suffering to end. He wanted to guide me out of this dark hole long enough to find one of his people who he calls on to help others. He wanted me to know that he was thinking of me during this whole thing. If it were not for my dark thoughts, I never would have searched for help, and I wouldn’t have found it.

God led me to the Coach that I chatted with, and from there, both of them have helped me through this ordeal.

I can only hope and pray that it can get easier here on out. Thanks to anyone who is reading my story.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I may not see it yet, and you may not yet either, but God loves you, and he will guide you through anything. God bless you, and have a safe year.

50 Shades of…Stay Away

There has been much anticipation around the recently released (2015) movie entitled 50 Shades of Grey. Some say it is a love story, others refer to it as a couple’s movie, while still others say it is simply another version of porn. What do we know about the movie? Well, we know it is based upon the book of the same name written by E. L. James. Additionally, we know the actors in the starring roles are Dakota Johnson and Jamie Doman. But what else do we know.



For starters, 50 Shades of Grey has its origin as Twilight Fan Fiction. Fan Fiction is exactly what it sounds like; fictional stories based upon characters or settings from an original source; in this case the Twilight series. The work is created by a fan, or fans of the original work, rather than the author, creator, or publisher of the original work. Fan fiction is rarely commissioned or authorized by the creator or publisher of the original work and as a result it is rarely professionally published. However, in our society of lust, porn, the degradation of women, and a complete lack of a working moral compass, 50 Shades of Grey has found success. It has been published and now has been released as a movie on the silver screen.

The book, and now the movie would classify as erotic romance.  At one time, erotic romance novels were found in only certain areas of certain bookstores. But in the society in which we live today, and given the great success of this book, it is found out in the middle of the isle being advertised as a good read. Erotic romances, like50 Shades of Grey, are known for explicit erotic scenes that feature bondage, sexual discipline, dominance, submission and/or sadism or masochism, all summarized as (BDSM). Thus, character development, cultural relevance, moral significance and redeeming quality is often lacking in these works.
Some may ask, What’s the harm in a little bondage among couples? They’re consenting adults. Besides, it’s just entertainment. Right? Well, not really. It’s not really just entertainment. Several critics and scientists have expressed concern, not over the BDSM in the novel, but the characteristics of the abusive relationship that abound within it. A recent study found that nearly all of the interactions between the two main characters in the book and movie, Ana and Christian, were emotionally abusive in nature, including such things as stalking, intimidation (bullying) and isolation. The study found that Ana met the Center for Disease Control’s standard for an abused woman and exhibited classic signs such as constantly perceiving a threat, stressful managing and altered identity. The study went on to find, within the book, pervasive sexual violence, according to the CDC’s definition. An example of this is Christian getting Ana drunk to get around her ability to consent to certain activities. A second study found that when comparing women who read at least one of the books in the trilogy, versus women who did not read one of the books in the trilogy, that women who read the book showed signs of having an eating disorder, having emotionally abusive partners, taking part in stalking behaviors and binge drinking.

Finally, the study’s lead researcher argues that the books romanticize dangerous behavior and perpetuate dangerous abuse standards. None of the behaviors exhibited by women who have read one of these books are healthy behaviors, and none of these are behaviors that anyone would want their mother, sister or daughter to exhibit. Nor, would anyone want their mother, sister or daughter to be involved, or should we say, entrapped within a relationship like the one being experienced by Ana. Thus, shouldn’t we conclude that the movie could be just as damaging?
So what have we learned? Well, we’ve learned that there is harm in a little bondage among couples regardless of whether or not they are consenting adults. And this type of movie, or book, is far from just entertainment. To put it in perspective, Colin Covert, a writer for the Minneapolis Star Tribune, writing in his column on February 13, 2015, a man who is quoted in his column as saying, I have no objection to films whose characters have gymnastic bedroom flings while firmly tied and controlled by others. Said of the film, Sadly, Fifty Shades of Grey doesn’t entertainingly cross the line of good taste so much as trip and fall on it. The much anticipated movie opens promisingly. From then, it’s all downhill.

Oddly enough, even the co-stars of the film think 50 Shades of Grey is awful. In his article, Even the co-stars think 50 Shades of Grey is awful (and maybe even a bit like Hitler), writer John Jalsevac on www.lifesitenews.com had much to say after speaking with them. In the article, dated February 11, 2015, Jalsevac says, In other words, Dornan, after spending months immersing himself in the story and the character of Christian Grey, still has absolutely no idea why anybody would ever actually like the books. Dornan is further quoted. He states that after visiting on set the (place where activities occur) and returning home to his real life wife and daughter, I had a long shower before touching either of them. Jalsevac goes on to say in his article, And then there’s Dakota Johnson who kind of, sort of, maybe hopes that nobody ever watches the movie. He quotes Johnson as saying, I don’t want my family to see it, because it’s inappropriate. Or my brother’s friends that I grew up with. Later Johnson comments, It was emotionally taxing. At first I was like, ˜Oh my God, this is the worst thing ever,’ and then I was like, ˜All right, let’s get on with it.’
Needless to say, from my perspective, I haven’t seen it but I wouldn’t recommend the movie or the books. You might say, Well if you haven’t seen it, how can you say I should avoid it. My answer, I haven’t seen Hell either, or the inside of a coffin, but I would recommend to you, whom I do not even know, to avoid both. I believe relationships should be healthy for both parties and that they should be based on true and pure feelings for one another. Maybe in our early years of relationships these feelings are enjoying time with the other person, being supported by the person and being a support to them, caring about and being compassionate about similar things. Or maybe, it’s just simple pure friendship. Later, as relationships develop and people come to know one another better, love is the reason for continuing together, and being in love is the notion that the other person is more important. The happiness, health and environment of the other person is at least as important, if not more important, than all of those things for us. 50 Shades of Grey is all about Christian; what he likes, what he wants, and what he wants to do with Ana. It’s not at all about Ana. That is not healthy. That is abusive. That is not love for another that is love for one’s self and for what one wants for themselves. These are just some of the reasons why I would name this book and the film, 50 Shades of Stay Away… Stay Far, Far Away!

How to Find Love in 4 Minutes: The Science of Speed Dating

Greatist News examines and explains the trends and studies making headlines in fitness, health, and happiness.

Before the rise of Tinder and OKCupid, back in the days when banging our friends didn’t require a Facebook account, there was speed dating.

Essentially, a session of heterosexual speed dating involves a group of women sitting around in a circle and a group of men who rotate around them. Everyone gets a chance to meet (and flirt); and successful pairings are given contact info to try their luck in the "real world."

Speed dating is useful for obvious reasons, like sharing horror stories about inappropriate participants. But, for two Stanford researchers, speed dating also provides rich material for analyzing the science behind romance and attraction. According to their findings, there are a few key elements of the standard four-minute speed date that consistently predict whether two people will hit it off or head for the hills — even outside of the speed-dating arena. Some of the results are a no-brainer (women like men who are interested in them), while others are less intuitive (who knew asking too many questions was a faux pas?).

What’s the Deal?

Researchers recruited graduate students from an “elite private American university” to take part in a series of speed dating sessions in 2005. Everyone participated just once, and all students were promised the contact information of anyone they matched with. The daters wore audio recorders during their four-minute interviews (so no lewd comments, please!). In the end, researchers ended up accumulating transcripts of 1,100 dates. All daters also filled out surveys about their demographic, personal interests, and dating experience.

After analyzing all the data, the scientists came to the conclusion that there are certain key factors that predict whether couples “clicked.” Perhaps surprisingly, men and women usually said they clicked when their conversations were mostly about the women. Less shocking, women were more likely to say they connected with men who used appreciative language (“That’s awesome!”) and who interrupted them — but only as a way to show understanding and engagement (“Exactly”).

And for those who think it’s a good idea to ask a bazillion questions about where their partner grew up and the name of his or her childhood pet, think again: Asking questions usually signalled a lack of connection, probably because women felt that they had to act curious in order to keep a boring conversation going. Signs of a good conversation were subtler, like varying one’s speech to get louder and softer.

Why It Matters

Some previous research on speed dating and first encounters has found that physical attractiveness pretty much determines whether two people are initially into each other . But this new study adds to a growing body of research suggesting there are other factors, aside from a pretty face, that predict whether two people click. For example, one study found that speed-dating couples with similar speaking styles were more likely to report a mutual connection.

What seems pretty clear from all the research is that speed dating isn’t just B.S. In general, people are pretty quick to determine whether they like each other. (Four minutes might be pushing it, though, since some research suggests it takes 20 minutes for people to decide whether they want a second date.) And first impressions may be more important for men than for women. In one survey, one in five men said they’d experienced love at first sight, while only one in 10 women said the same.

Still, the researchers’ findings aren’t meant to be rules for how to interact on a first date. Instead, they’re observations about the factors that contribute to romantic chemistry. When on a first date — or, really, in any situation — it’s probably best to just be yourself. There’s no use faking a connection: If you don’t click with your potential mate, you probably wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with them anyway.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Every Relationship

In my coaching practice, many of the women and men I work with struggle with one common theme: setting healthy boundaries. I witness this challenge pop up in all relationships, whether it's with a business partner, a friend, or in a romantic relationship. We experience this uncomfortable pattern until we heal the root cause of the behavior.
In my experience, the root of all struggle is fear. Relationships become unhealthy when we act from a place of fear, rather than love. More often than not, we aren’t even aware of the fears that have been driving our choices, blocking us from doing what’s best for ourselves, and damaging our relationships. But learning to set healthy boundaries offers a perfect opportunity to strengthen our capacity to love ourselves and release the ego's fearful perceptions.
In this article, I will help you identify the signs you need to create more boundaries in your life and walk you through the first steps for choosing love over fear, honoring yourself, and creating healthier and more meaningful connections.

Signs That You Need to Set Some Boundaries

When you find yourself having difficulty saying “no” to others, doing things out of feelings of guilt or obligation, attempting to please others even at the expense of what's best for you, or not expressing your thoughts and feelings when someone upsets you, you are putting yourself last and putting others first—which doesn't serve any of the parties involved.
If we say “yes” to others asking of our time and energy and we’ve not filled ourselves up first, we are giving from a place of lack—which is a fear-based choice that sours the energy in a relationship and doesn’t serve either party. It also breeds codependency, and prompts us to attract people and situations that drain us because we aren’t honoring our own needs and boundaries.
Many times, this way of being can create anger or resentment in the person who is putting her or his own needs behind others’. This might manifest as complaining, feeling taken advantage of, or feeling powerless. These feelings are messages to us that we've chosen to perceive ourselves as the victim of a circumstance rather than stepping up and making choices for ourselves based on love.
The truth is, we're never a victim of our circumstances. We can choose how we would like to perceive something in any given situation—we can choose to perceive fear or we can choose love. And when we act from a place of love, rather than a place of fear, we experience a radical shift that transforms our struggles and breaks old patterns that are no longer serving us.

How to Act from a Place of Love Instead of Fear

There are three main steps to changing the patterns that keep us in unhealthy relationships: Identifying our fears, choosing to adopt a loving perception of a situation, and taking action from a place of self-love.

Step 1: Identify Your Fears

Awareness is the first step to creating change. The moment we witness our ego’s fearful perceptions and the stories it’s been telling us, we can begin to shift them.
Common fears that show up in the context of boundaries include fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection, or fear of being alone or abandoned. Many times, we adopt these fears as children (or at other points in our lives), and then drag these past experiences into our present and maybe even project them onto the future. This can result in us feeling like we don’t want to upset others or lose their approval or acceptance, and valuing that acceptance over our own needs. Another result of letting these fears run the show is that as a consequence we may have trouble accessing how we want to be feeling and what we want to be doing—which prevents us from standing in our power.

Step 2: Choose Love

After we’ve created awareness around our fears, it’s important to recognize that from a spiritual perspective, the fear isn’t “real”—it’s something we’ve learned through social conditioning, and not something we’re born with. Instead of believing in these fears, we can choose to put our faith in loving perceptions, release our fearful illusions, and begin to experience beautiful changes in our lives.

This is more than a one-time choice; rather, it’s an ongoing, moment-to-moment practice that involves witnessing fearful perceptions as they arise and actively choosing loving perceptions instead. To view the world through a lens of love, I recommend that people begin each day with a powerful intention: “I choose to release my fear and see love instead”. Repeat this intention whenever fearful thoughts arise throughout the day.

Step 3: Act

Every time we choose love over fear, we commit an act of self-love. It is only when we are secure in our own worth that we can give and receive from a place of abundance, thereby creating relationships that serve us.

Saying “no” or speaking our truth when someone upsets us might feel scary at first. But as we begin to act in spite of our fears, we come to understand that when we act from a place of love, everyone wins. Contrary to what we may believe, there is never a situation in which what's best for us is not best for all. When we face our fears and express our thoughts and feelings openly to the person who upsets us or pushes our boundaries, internal healing occurs. We learn that it is safe to speak our truth and that those who best serve us will listen with love. Best of all, when we show up for ourselves, we provide an opportunity for those around us to show up as well.
Of course, we cannot control how other people respond to our feelings or choices. How others react is their personal spiritual assignment and how we react is ours. As we release our attachment to others’ opinions and practice acceptance around however they choose to respond, we free ourselves from the bondage of fear, knowing that we are self-approved.

When You Need to Walk Away

Sometimes, walking away from a job or relationship that's no longer serving us is the most loving choice we can make. If we choose to leave a person or situation, it’s important to trust and know that the universe has our back. The work is to call on our inner guiding system—the loving voice within—and to hear an answer, trust it, and act on it. This internal GPS never leads us astray, no matter how surprising or scary the answer may seem.

Saying “No”—The Takeaway

The most valuable thing that happens when we show up for ourselves with love is that we gain a sense of empowerment and a higher level of self-worth. When we give ourselves the love and acceptance that we desire, we no longer have to look for it outside of ourselves, which gives us the freedom to be who we want to be. This will reflect back to us with beautiful relationships that nourish and support us. As we approach our relationships more consciously and release fearful patterns, we break the cycles of guilt and obligation and begin to create new relationships and experiences that reflect our internal space of self-love.

My husband doesn’t want kids. I feel tricked

Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers a new perspective on your problems and challenges

My husband of eight years has just told me that he definitely doesn’t want children. We’ve occasionally joked about it; what we’d call them and whether we’d want a boy or a girl. But over the last year, we’ve been talking about it seriously; at 37, I’m ready for kids. But suddenly, apparently, he is not. I feel rejected, tricked and angry that he has not even considered my feelings. We are married and he never mentioned that he didn't want children. How can I broach the conversation and get him to consider how I feel? Annalisa

Broaching the conversation is not the hard part here – you’ve already proved that you can talk and even joke about this. The challenge is how open you can be to where the conversation might lead – specifically whether you can accept that perhaps he has already considered your feelings, and yet he still does not want children.

When you say this has happened suddenly, I wonder whether it is one of the following: your husband has genuinely changed his mind, he does want children in theory but he is panicking about what that might mean in practice, or he has never been keen, and has only now plucked up the courage to be clear. In parallel, I’m concerned that when you say ‘consider how I feel’, what you really mean is ‘do what I want’.

The evidence about marital arguments is clear – discussions end on a similar emotional note to where they started, unless you start with a harsh attack, in which case the outcome will invariably be worse. Please put all of your love and caring into finding a way to be soft in your initial approach – remember that your objective is to bring you closer as a couple.

It is tricky to be creative when you are feeling hurt, so I’m going to give you some possible scripts: ‘I guess it must have been hard for you to say that you don’t want children. Please would you tell me more about what you are thinking?’ ‘I loved joking with you about having baby Hercules and I’d really like to understand what might have changed’ or even ‘I’m feeling scared and cut off from you. I’d love us to feel closer, so please can we talk about this?’

I imagine that the underlying fear, for both of you, is whether this is a deal-breaker. There is a sense in which he is asking: ‘did you marry me for myself, or so that I could serve this purpose for you?’ And your question might be: ‘what does our marriage mean if we don’t have children together?’

I would urge you to consider the latter question anyway, and read Dr David Schnarch (see ‘More inspiration’) about keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. He regards marriage as the container and motivation for growth. The key is that you both value the other’s interests on a par with your own; if you talk your partner out of what he or she wants so you can have your way, you lose.
You can, and people do, have a happy marriage with or without children; and a happy marriage is what I wish you both.

I want a baby, my partner doesn’t

If you want children and your long-term boyfriend doesn't, where does that leave you? Should you leave him and take a chance on meeting someone new? Or stay and hope he might change his mind? Psychologist Linda Papadopoulos has some questions to ask when you stand at a crossroads

Reasons to stay

• You have a strong bond. If you can still see reasons to stay despite wanting a different path in life, you must have a strong bond. It may not be rational, but it must be considered.
• Children in the family. Being an aunt, uncle or godparent can offer a great deal of fulfilment and, while it doesn’t replace the wish to have a child of your own, it might help you deal with the sacrifice while maintaining your relationship.
• People can change their minds. Perhaps this isn’t the right time for your partner to make such a big choice. It is fair to keep the discussion open, but patience is crucial. Ask your partner why they don’t want children; maybe they have issues about parenthood and need to seek help. Also, think about why you want children and consider the impact they will have on your life.

Reasons to go

• Resentment. Conceding ground on such an important issue may leave one or both of you resentful – feeling as though your partner deems your lifelong happiness less important than their own. If it is non-negotiable, have the strength to stick to it.
• Your child’s wellbeing. If your partner agrees to have a child with you, then maybe feels unable to cope with being a parent, it could be detrimental to your child’s wellbeing. Plus, every time your child causes difficulty or tension in the household, the feeling that you are responsible could exacerbate it.
• Fertility issues. See a fertility doctor who can advise you. You may also not be able to wait psychologically – being ready to have a child is a powerful emotion and can manifest itself in feelings of emptiness should it be frustrated.

Men's sexual desire versus women's

Our assumptions about men always wanting sex no matter what should be questioned, says Esther Perel

Being ‘in the mood’ is not just a state of mind reserved for women… Women often complain in my therapy room: ‘He just wants sex. It has nothing to do with me. It’s like he has an itch, and he wants relief. Anyone could do it for him, I just happen to be there.’
The cliché is that men are always interested in sex. Male sexuality, we think, is in perpetual motion. Contrary to women, their desire is seen as uncomplicated, a simple biological force seeking an outlet. Men are creatures of nature and women are creatures of meaning, we say. Her desire is influenced by how she feels about herself, her self-esteem, her body image, how close and intimate she feels with her partner. In short, sex is powered by the context and not by a natural drive.

But that is a myth. We may like to think men and women are different when it comes to sexuality, but that’s because we focus more on differences than similarities. Men want sex more than women. Men are more sexually spontaneous, and biologically driven. They know what they like, and they don’t change. They initiate sex when they are already turned on. Men feel desire no matter what, whereas women depend on how they feel about their relationship.

These views are hardly ever challenged, and researchers have conspired to maintain this fiction. There are seven times more studies carried out on sexual desire in women than in men. Why? Perhaps, if we were to research the facts, we may have to do away with a historical view of men that has been used to justify their infidelity for centuries. After all, men are sexually irrepressible, it’s in their nature.
But is it? Studies on men and sex prefer to focus on sexual performance, erection difficulties or premature ejaculation. We focus on men’s performance, not their desire. The truth is, men are not always interested in sex; they too are affected by their moods, and are more or less interested in sex depending on how they feel about themselves. One of my patients explains: ‘For my wife, what matters is how she feels about her looks, her body, how she feels about the kids. For me, it’s more how competent I feel, how well I do at work, my tennis match, for example.’

Is he man enough?
For a man, performance is linked to his sense of masculinity. And feeling good about himself drives his sexual desire. David struggles with this. ‘When I am not interested in sex, it makes me feel like I am not a man. In fact, my wife wants it more than me. So I had to come up with the excuse of chronic back pain. I think that’s easier for her to accept.’ I wonder if this is meant to make it easier for his wife to accept, or if David is trying to keep his identity as a man intact? For a man, identity and self-esteem are more linked to sexuality than for a woman. This explains why he is more likely to feel ashamed when he has no desire. Another patient, Jacob, says: ‘When I feel depressed or when I’m stressed or tired, I’d rather just sleep. I worry when I have to give a presentation at work and, on those days, sex is the furthest thing from my mind.’

While Jacob confirms that mood affects desire in men no less than in women, I think it’s true that men are more likely to raise their mood with sex. They also masturbate to relax, to calm their anxiety. They use sex to put themselves to sleep. Little boys discover their penis very early and find out quickly that it feels good to touch themselves. A girl’s clitoris is tucked away inside her vagina, and it takes her much longer, sometimes years, to discover it and the pleasures it can offer. But what about his ever-ready erections, my female patients ask? An erection doesn’t necessarily mean it is accompanied by desire, and desire can be present without an erection. Physical arousal and sexual desire are not one and the same. Both men and women can have sex without desire. We consider a man’s erection as all-or-nothing; either it’s up and hard or it’s not. We ask him, do you have an erection? We don’t ask him how much. What would be more difficult – to persuade a man that his woman wants him even if she is not lubricated, or to persuade a woman that her man wants her, even though he is not erect? Fear of rejection is a major concern for men.

And as they are supposed to be the initiators, that fear is with them constantly. Some of the men I meet are selfish and only want sex. But the majority want an emotional connection with their partner. They want to please her and to feel desired. Stereotypes carry truth, but that does not mean they are true. In our relationships, it’s useful to remember that.

10 reasons why we lose our desire

Love and desire are related, but they can also be in conflict. Here are 10 reasons why women lose sexual interest and some thoughts from Esther Perel on what you can do to change the situation…

 

1. Being in a long-term, committed relationship
Clinical psychologist Marta Meana says women lose interest in sex because of their feelings of responsibility and caretaking in a committed relationship, and the routine and obligation of sex. Giving herself permission to stop worrying, thinking about the kids or her physical appearance – that is what is most difficult for a woman to do in order to even enjoy those kisses and caresses. She often will need her partner to help give her permission to stop worrying and let go. Any way that alleviates her burdens and feelings of responsibility can be helpful in reigniting her sexual desire.

2. Forgetting about foreplay
Foreplay can be more enjoyable that the actual act of sex itself. The idea of the prelude before the real thing is the real thing for many women. Kissing, stroking, caressing and teasing are often what can pleasure women most. A common complaint that I hear from many women is that their men only touch them or kiss them with an end goal in mind – penetration. These women think: ‘The whole day can go by and I don’t get a kiss, but when he’s horny, he gets all gushy.’ Women need affection to be continuous; for her, foreplay starts at the end of the previous orgasm.

3. Believing orgasm equals satisfaction
People think that sex is satisfying when you both climax or when there is some other measurable result. But pleasure and connection extend vastly beyond sexual performance. What does sex mean for you? From my experience, women will think sex is great because they felt lustful and wanted it, not because of the outcome. Many women are reluctant to engage sexually because they assume they will have to commit to the entire act. You may enjoy fondling and kissing, but you don’t want to build up all the energy and arousal necessary to reach orgasm. For some men, there is a direct route between kissing and orgasm, but women can mistakenly assume that men always want the whole act, when they would be happy just to connect as well. This is the blurry part; men can mean what they say at the start but, if they get excited, they don’t understand why it should stop.

4. Acting the dutiful wife or girlfriend
So many women tell me: ‘I’m having sex because I’m supposed to. I want to do it for my husband. I know he needs it.’ So, while they become good and dutiful, they also lose the knowledge of themselves that is the key to desire. They’re so busy making sure that they’re being good partners that they no longer know what they want. When they think about sex, they think about the sex he wants. There is no blame involved here; it’s not because the man is doing something wrong. It’s wonderful when men still desire their wives and girlfriends, and the day they stop desiring them is the day that we should be really worried.

5. Misunderstanding women's sexuality
Women’s sexual desire is subjective and diffuse. The genital- and orgasm-focused approach to sexis a rather male approach. For a woman, it’s more often than not what happens between her ears that charms her, rather than what happens between her legs. Feeling seduced, pursued, complimented, charmed, cherished and made to feel beautiful are her biggest turn-ons. Keep in mind that although women experience their desire as more fragile and can feel that they may lose it more easily, they can also easily reconnect with their desire, since it is fluid and responsive to circumstance (for example, weather, time of day and mood).

6. Getting confused by women's contradictions
Just because she enjoyed sex last night doesn’t mean she wants it again today. Why is it no problem for her to want ice cream yesterday, and want some again today, whereas with sex, it’s different? Or she says: ‘I want you to hear me when I say no, but I also don’t want you to give up too soon, because if I don’t respond immediately and you give up, then you obviously weren’t that into it in the first place.’ On the other hand, ‘if you push too much, you’re not respecting my boundaries’. And there’s also, ‘I don’t feel like it but maybe you can make me feel like it. Make me want to say yes, without being a predator.’

7. There's a physical issue
Could there be a hormone deficiency? If you’re menopausal, that will certainly make a difference. Too often the reason is a thyroid deficiency, which can have a major influence. An endocrinological check-up could be useful.

8. Sexual boredom
Men often remain more easily attracted to their wives. What they want most is for her to want sex as much as them. But because women lose their appetite  more easily, they need the food to be far more appetising in order to be interested. In order for her to want sex, it needs to be sex worth wanting, says psychologist David Schnarch. Often, it is that she’s not interested in the sex that she can have. If she’s interested in the sex, she’s more likely to escape the limits; the routines, and the endless list of ‘shoulds’.

9. The paradox of security and desire
Women see themselves as a mother, a wife and a caretaker. None of these roles are associated with feeling sexy. If you can leave the domestic and enter into the erotic, that’s a step in the right direction. There are centuries of history conspiring to desexualise wives and mothers. Many women (and men) hold this legacy internally.

10. Not being aroused
Nothing turns a man on more than a woman who’s turned on. And nothing turns a woman on more than to be the turn-on. He can be ready for sex but if she’s disconnected from herself, it’ll do nothing for her. A man can tell a woman she’s gorgeous, but because women see men’s sexuality as less discriminate (‘he just wants sex and I happen to be here’), she doesn’t believe him. She rates her own self-appraisal more than anything he can tell her. Sexologist Rosemary Basson says there are three motivations that drive women to sex: arousal, desire and willingness. Women can be physically excited and physiologically aroused, but not experience desire. They can act turned on, but the mental and emotional experiences are missing. At other times, they can have desire, but are not yet physically aroused; they like the idea of sex, but they’re not feeling it in their body yet. Willingness is the ability to remain ready and curious to see what will happen if she lets herself go with the flow. She may not yet be in the mood, but she’s open to seeing if the mood will come.

American Angel's song dedicated to Mig33.com by nowkaa

Here is the great song played by anika, and its dedicated by American Angel (UK) to the most popular mobile based social network mig33.com

So enjoy this song :x

So she love to make song only for her, but it was a special request from mig33.com team. so she upload it for all of you.
Go...

How to Love

Love is expressed as an action and experienced as a feeling. Yet, love has an essence that resists defining in any single way — it encompasses compassion, determination, tolerance, endurance, support, faith, and much more. If you're in the dark about how to love, this article should give you some food for thought, and perhaps teach you a little bit about how to love yourself, love the world, and love other people just a little bit more.

Accept your past. If you’ve been hurt in the past, you really need to begin to cope with that feeling before you can love someone else. You may feel that things you did in the past will make you unlovable, or that you have too many problems to be lovable. Maybe you feel that because your past relationships failed, all others are doomed to fail as well. But this is not the case and you should never feel for a moment that what has happened to you before will keep you from being happy now. Accept the things that happened to you, forgive, and move on. 

Get rid of the list. You know the list: that compendium of requirements that a potential partner or friend must meet, kept in your head or even written down. Yeah, get rid of that. Recognize that by keeping such a list, you’re creating the person you want to be with, rather than meeting the person you’re meant to be with. Real people don’t fit in boxes. You can certainly keep in mind qualities that you want a person to have, but don’t require someone to meet all of them and make sure you’ve got your priorities in order.

Reconsider your priorities. If you’re putting a nice butt before a stable personality, you’re going to have a really tough time in relationships. Same goes for things like valuing friends who get you into the best clubs over friends who’ll hold your hair back while you puke. Take those items from your list (discussed above) and separate them out into wants vs needs. Then take a hard look at why you prioritize the things you do. 

Open yourself to new possibilities. Once you’ve given some hard thought to what really matters to you in your relationships, take another look at the people around you and the people that you meet every day. Maybe people you’d previously dismissed will suddenly seem okay. You’ll find...potential. And that’s all you need to start with. Potential may not feel like love at first sight, but it can grow into the most beautiful and stable love you’ve experienced.